Head Over Heels Over Head
‘H ead over heels’ might be a slight over exaggeration in favour of a witty title but anyway here are my three top tips for how I overcome my hatred for head.
Now let’s be clear my hatred for head was real. It wasn’t like I did it sometimes, but didn’t really like it – but did it anyway. No. This was never. No birthdays. No special occasions and certainly not on the ludicrous invention that is steak and blowjob day – is that for real?
It all started when I was around 18 when a certain someone told me I was putting a ‘tad’ too much tooth into it… not ideal I’ll admit however the feedback totally threw me and incurred a pretty serious case of head phobia.
From that moment on I avoided it like the plague. Convincing myself I was bad at it, that I hated the whole thing and that as a confident and empowered woman I would and could refuse to give anyone head ever again.
After all, no one should have to do anything they don’t feel comfortable with – especially not in the bedroom.
This resulted in 6 years of life blissfully head free. Confidently announcing to each and every one (of my 2 long-term boyfriends) that I didn’t like giving head and that they shouldn’t expect it from me. Open to pretty much everything else in the book – and on average pretty adventurous – I never felt guilty that they were going without.
“can you imagine if he said going down on you made him gag?”
The whole not giving head thing was all going to plan until during one of my usual rants on why I was fully entitled to take a stance against head – that went something along the lines of “it makes me feel submissive and not in a good way…” “it makes me gag…” “I just find it entirely disgusting…” my friend made a rather interesting comment.
She said “can you imagine if he said going down on you made him gag? Or that he thought the whole idea of licking your vagina was entirely disgusting to him?” Hmmmm… well, that wasn’t the response I was expecting.
I’d never really considered that. And it got me thinking – maybe I wasn’t really being entirely fair? Not in not giving him head, or denying him pleasure, but more for my openly negative feelings and opinions towards his body, and not any part of his body- the one body part he holds closest to his heart and his ego for that matter.
So just to be very clear I didn’t decide to start giving him head because I felt bad for him – in fact, in all the years we have been together he had never nagged me, he was always fully respectful of my decision not to. But that comment really hit home – so after 6 years of consciously abstaining from blowjobs – I decided to kick the phobia, get down on my knees and get to it. So here are the three bits of advice that helped me, learn to love, to lick it.
“for me empowerment comes
from ownership of a situation ”
1. Fake it till you make it
If you’re going to do it you have to do it with passion.
Now I know that’s easier said than done but it is possible.
You might have the best blowjob skills in the world but if your partner doesn’t believe you love going down on him it will never be as good as it could be.
Giving it a few lacklustre licks as you count down the minutes till it all ends isn’t the way to go – you’ve got to put your heart into it. After all, enthusiasm is the biggest turn on. So lick it like it’s the best goddamn ice cream you’ve ever tasted and I promise you in time you’ll be lapping it up in fear of missing a single drop.
Just keep telling him how much you love it and how much you love sucking on it. In doing so your brain will begin the myelination process that will eventually convince you of all the above – repeat something to yourself enough times and you will learn to believe it.
Plus giving your man’s penis compliments will drive him totally wild.
2. Embrace the Power
Whereas I originally convinced myself giving head was belittling – I now find it empowering. I know women are largely divided on this point but for what it’s worth here’s my two pence.
Once I started giving my partner blow jobs out of choice, not some sort of sexual obligation, it became empowering. Because for me empowerment comes from ownership of a situation. That feeling of control and innate confidence that you can smash the job at hand and have fun doing it.
You are deciding for yourself what to do with your body. And if in this case, that means putting a man’s penis into your mouth, so be it. Embrace the moment. Embrace the power of pleasure.
3. Lube Up!
Now let’s get down to the technicalities. The best blow jobs ever involve a lot of lube. Who would have thought? Not me, that’s for sure – and I wish someone had told me this 6 years ago! But trust me this little fact is a TOTAL game changer.
For those who aren’t exactly salivating at the thought of the job at hand fear not, lube is your new best friend – helping the whole thing run smoothly. Because extra wetness means less effort for you and more pleasure for him.